Regressing the mother wound.

This going back to the mothers womb was not easy. I visited myself in my mother’s womb. My confusions,’lack of acceptance started there. I was expected to be a boy. And I knew I was a girl.There in started my ‘role- conflict’. Yes,I heard so many times from my parents that they they wanted a boy. The vibration of the conversations activated my ‘pleasing instincts“ 

I wanted to normalise life and I was trying hard to find a place ,space  feeling , and person of ‘belongingness “. Never had any. My parents didn’t belong to me. The best was given to me according to their 3C’s their convenience, their choice and their control. As I went deeper into the layers of my wound I understood my lack of attraction towards cars,money,gold etc. My soul was lost. It wanted love,safety and emotional security.   

My confusions were getting deeper. I was numb. Many times I would find myself behaving like a man. Bold,courageous and outspoken, yet delicate and feminine. Androgynous woman.

My house didn’t seem to me as it was my own as my soul didn’t feel and find natural connections in it. There was an un-natural effort to build or find a connection. This carried on for a long time all under the garb of maintaining peace and balance in me and around me. My “self work”made me understand why in any situation,conflict, I was negotiating for PEACE. I started believing it to be the core,my core and I still believe in it. 

Your challenges and weaknesses can be used as a bridge you walk on. Lack of belongingness made me an Empath. Caring became my first level,second level ,third level or if there is any other level of nature. I started making people feel very good, wanted and precious about themselves. I didn’t allow myself judgments about people. This was and is my another level and way of dealing with my “sense of belongingness”. 

You are sick and I go out of my way to care and be there. I am sick and I am ignored. Every time it confused. 

I was lost again trying to understand my “character defects”.I started writing my journey from the time I was conceived . A boy was wanted and I disappointed them.I tried my best but failed to make them happy. 

Today I accept my defeat as much as I am aware and work on my ‘boundaries” . My shift is not to be an “enabler” Not to work the fucking shit out of anyone’s life but to clean and clear my own act. 

I am working on the process of belongingness. My inner voice , my higher power and my inner mother has become active since the time I exercised my muscles of ‘surrender’ This energy cuddles me , kisses me and empowered me to do just what I need to do. There is a sudden energy that has been released through this regression work and I got no fucking word that  I feel  can be used to describe the essence of this feeling . The romance  with the words still goes on. 

I found my mother in me. It’s warmth is my strength today. This is one step in working  on my sense of belongingness. 

Yes I now understand when I would hear people say my mother loves me ,what it means . At 45 , my inner mother through the power of regression taught me this. 

I through this regression work have been able to find the missing connection of my life and separate myself from my .........! 

My journey of finding a connection relating to my trauma of “unwanted “ ,finding my truth continues.many doors would be knocked at to find out what I am not yet. 

All this for the love of my higher self .